me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
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probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet