two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
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Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away