inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
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Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
That’s not how days work.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …