Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
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Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.