Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
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I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?