If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
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Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
The Assassin.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.