Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
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universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.