Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
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oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.