He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
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Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time