Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.

yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.

………….so like he’s clearly a monster right

[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot

MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves

Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*

Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?

Her:

Me:

Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.

Clean sheet day!!

*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*

i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game

One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning

Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”

What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?

If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2

I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567

What?!?

Someone once asked me if I was drunk.

I said yes.

That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.

What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE

I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?

*First day as a boxing cornerman*

Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what

Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild

Me: I need to see a supervisor

Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am

The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.

Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.

“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.

“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.

every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea

WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you

9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet

1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?

Enhanced interrogation idea:

If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.

Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”

My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.