He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
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ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.