captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
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They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
My dad teaching me to drive
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.