I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
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[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed