[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
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[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”