ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
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I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Social Media and Real life
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
seems like a niche market
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning