Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
You Might Also Like
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
My plans: 2020:
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.