[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
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I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.