Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.

Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?

Me: No, I said I’d like to.

interviewer: can you type fast?

me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”

Me: They were donut holes

HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”

Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?

HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing

I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.

When people ask “Are you high right now?”

It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.

me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*

It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’

Tell the colonel to bring it

You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.

[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?

I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.

Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.

Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed

If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?

Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?

Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma

Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!

“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”

When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.

who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW

Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG

The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”

I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume

I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.

no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping

Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.

If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.

A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.

My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:

“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”

me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner

Funeral Home Director: please leave.