sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
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Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other