*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
You Might Also Like
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Whoa… oh I see lol
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.