Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
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“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that