Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
You Might Also Like
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.