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My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”