@OctopusCaveman

Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell

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@SJKSalisbury

[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
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@capnwatsisname

I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle

@

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

@HomeWithPeanut

Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option

@AimeeHelene1

At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.

It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.

@KevinFarzad

If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.

@thrill_tweeter

I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car

@terrip38

The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.