[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
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Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.