(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
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Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.