[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
[leaving sushi restaurant]
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A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.
He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow