[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
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A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
#damn
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.