When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
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An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Butt weight. There’s more!
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.