Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
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Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
This cat wants you to take your pills
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Leaving the Barbers like
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.