me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
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imagine being 93 years old and then you鈥檙e bit by a vampire and you鈥檙e stuck being a 93 year old forever
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I鈥檓 generally not muted when you should be.
Wife: Don鈥檛 use that Band-Aid. It鈥檚 expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that鈥檚 rude.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won鈥檛 ever get it.
Knock Knock
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
guilty
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it鈥檚 after you hit their mailbox with your car.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I鈥檓 here all week馃槵
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can鈥檛.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one