My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
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911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
The 6 types of sex
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Waiting for the Charmin
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
I think they could have phrased this better
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet