I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
You Might Also Like
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Google assistant rules