@noog God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
@noog Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
You Might Also Like
@noog 
@BEEAAARR Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
@noog Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
@brakco I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
@BlondAmbitionTO When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
@MelvinofYork If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
@pest_mode When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
@noog Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
@beeftweets “Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
@SondraDeeMe [first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.