Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
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“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.