Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
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Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.