Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.

Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.

This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.

Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?

Me: She’s my current wife.

Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.

me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”

Child: [eating cereal]

Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.

Child: Thank you.

Me [taking a step]: *crunch*

Child:

Me: There it is.

PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.

DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party

wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.

A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.

I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.

[First date]

Her: I like bad boys.

Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.

We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.

My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.

So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?

Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.

*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*

~ guys with ponytails

Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked

REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks

Him: no one will steal your identity that way

Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that

They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.

I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.

I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing

I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.

Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.

Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.

‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.