Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.

For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”

Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”

No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol

New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.

If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank

Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?

If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.

What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.

6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.

Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.

Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa

[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?

I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts

The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.

You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place

People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.

Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked

Me: You weren’t worried?

Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers

I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.

Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?

Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!

Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!

do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.

Strudel me like one of your toaster girls

People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout

I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”

“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.

Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?

Yeah, me neither.