@noog

Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?

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@noog

God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?

@BEEAAARR

Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.

@noog

Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.

@brakco

I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.

@BlondAmbitionTO

When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.

@MelvinofYork

If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think

@pest_mode

When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”

@noog

Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?

@SondraDeeMe

[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.