Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
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Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
What personal space?
My dog
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”