Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
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My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo: