Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
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Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Breaking news:
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
i was baptized in a car wash
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”