when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
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Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?