I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
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They’re really bad with fonts.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*