posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
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Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]