My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
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Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot