Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
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My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
cats when you pet them too long:
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
asking santa clause for nudes
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?