“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
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Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?