I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
You Might Also Like
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
“That’s what” – She
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.