Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
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*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.