Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
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Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Me trying to look natural in photos
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
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If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]