*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
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[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Yep.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”