What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
You Might Also Like
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Coffee for people with no kids
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
I’m good, thanks.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
My diet starts in January
of 2027
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?