ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
You Might Also Like
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer: