Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
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Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored