news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
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If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.