This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
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For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
PER MY LAST EMAIL
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.