This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
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It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
my first day as a raccoon
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.