Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
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*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Only Americans understand
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas