Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
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michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.