Only Americans understand
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My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
this is funnier than any friends episode
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip